How to date with intention
Cute interview on intentional dating and a few other things worth reading this week.
One thing I have been loving lately is people describing themselves as a “Lover Girl.” I’m not sure why that title makes me smile, but perhaps it’s because it speaks to my tribe of people. Honestly, I love love, which is why I am still reeling from celebrating my second favorite holiday, Valentine’s Day.
Keeping with the theme of love this week, I interviewed one of my sister-friends, Keturah, for this week's newsletter about Intentional Dating. Keturah and I have been friends for a zillion years, and she’s always been one of the people I appreciate getting life and love advice from.
In addition to being one of my best gals, Keturah is also a certified life coach and influencer. She talked about this topic on her social channels, so I thought this was a great week to have this conversation. For the first time this week, you can either listen to the conversation or read it.
Today we’re talking about Intentional Dating. From being your friend and following you on social media, I know this topic is near and dear to your heart. For people who are not aware of what intentional dating is, can you give a definition and background of what intentional dating looks like?
Absolutely. When we talk about the word intentional, it's about being more purposeful, cautious, and careful about putting energy into something. Let's actually pull up the word's definition. It's an adjective. It means done on purpose or deliberately. Some other words to describe deliberate are calculated, conscious, intended, and planned. If you think about it as it relates to dating, dating with intention is being careful and cautious about who you invite into your space and what you're looking for—and being clear about the type of person you want to meet.
Going with that, what are some ways you can set your intent? If you are looking for your perfect partner, list the pros and cons of what you're looking for. For you, how does that show up?
Your girl is single, but she's over here intentionally dating. One of the number one things I have done is to understand my values. You can't be in a space to look for someone if you don’t even know who you are, right? I got clear about how I want to show up in this world and what’s the core of my being. What’s the core of Keturah? Who is Keturah? Those are important questions, and whenever you’re dating someone, you always want to go back to your values and ask, “Does this person align with my values?” So that’s number one.
I think number two is a bit of manifestation. Sometimes things are missing when we manifest, which is believing it. You can manifest all you want, but if you don’t think it’s going to happen, then it’s not going to happen. So with manifesting, you must state what you want and honestly believe it.
The other part is that as an embodiment coaches, we talk a lot about the ways of doing things. If we say we're going to do something, and we, for instance, have to take a test, and we want to get an A on that test, so we study, and that's the action to get to that A on a test. But what are the ways of embodiment? What are the things we could do to receive that A? We could be more careful when we're reading, and we could be more organized when we're taking our notes and writing, or we could be more consistent with our reading. So all the things you see, you think about how we want to be to receive whatever it is; you have to make sure that you're those two to receive and manifest as well.
I like that because I just finished reading this book about manifesting. I feel like I always heard about manifesting, but it wasn’t something I practiced or did. But, one of the things in this book I read called Manifest by Roxie Nafousi is about manifesting. In the book, she said that you could spend all the time manifesting things, but if you’re not doing the work on yourself or you’re not doing the work to manifest, it’s just putting stuff into the universe that you’re not working on.
From your experience in the work that you do, too, what are some things that people can do to make sure that they’re working on themselves, too, because you don’t want to get into a relationship? If you, like you said if don't know your values, but you don't know yourself either.
I love this quote by Marianne Williamson, the author of A Return to Love. It’s a cool book about love and how we should show up more in the space of love versus ego and fear. We get into relationships as a way to learn to grow together. I think it’s important to realize that we’re always never going to be 100% healed but to help to be that space of a healthy relationship, we’ve got to work on ourselves.
Some of the things that you could do to work on yourself are obviously shadow work. Shadow work is going into the depths of your ego and figuring out some of the negative ways, places, and spaces where you show up. Maybe it’s judgment; maybe it’s jealousy or things that we can really dig in deep and say, “Here are the things that I have some opportunities to work on and work through. How can I get away from that? How can I move away from that?” And then our proponent around self-help therapy. A really big place and space where you can heal—maybe even hire a coach.
Any moment you can actually sit with yourself and do some reflection and healing in that space, I think, will help you get into a space of knowing yourself more. I always say you can’t really pour into others and relationships without pouring into yourself first.
Amen. That’s a good word. Going back to the coaching aspect. I know you’re being very mellow, but you are a licensed coach, and from the sessions I’ve had with you, I feel like I learned some stuff about myself, like how I show up with myself and others. How can people get in touch with you if they are interested in your services?
My services are coaching, and if anyone needs that space, wants to learn more about themselves, or feels stuck, I can help support and guide you. My niches are self-love and embodiment, looking at all the ways you can show up to learn to and love yourself more, which is important. As I was saying earlier, you can’t pour into yourself others unless you pour into yourself first. How can you love others if you don’t really love yourself? So it starts with yourself always. I help women and men become the best versions of themselves in my work.
So, if you’d like to work with me, you can find me on Instagram. All my information is in my bio, and I have a little Linktree that has all my information there, like my LinkedIn or ways to reach out to me for a session or a call. We can chat for a little bit, and you can DM me—I’m always available.
Perfect. If you follow her on Instagram, what I will say is really nice about your social channels, but I think they match your vibe. I feel like the Reels and things you share on Instagram really embody self-love and pouring into yourself. It’s nice that it’s pretty consistent.
So here’s a two-fold question: the premise of this newsletter is books and music. What are some of the books that you’ve read that have been helpful to your self-love journey? I know you like the Mountain is You book.
That book, The Mountain is You, oh my goodness. That book is a game-changer. I’m reading that book again for like the third or fourth time in six months or something.
What is it about?
It’s about turning your sabotage into self-mastery. That book is incredible. The book talks about how fear shows up in our lives and how it really shows up in the form of self-sabotage. How many times have we wanted to do something and were like “oh no, I can’t do that,” “that’s stupid” or “oh, I’m scared” or “I’m not smart enough or pretty enough.” The book talks about all the ways to overcome that way of thinking so you can be your highest self. It’s a beautiful book.
What other books do you recommend? I know you said A Return to Love, but are there any other ones that you would suggest people read as well?
Another book I would suggest is How to be a Badass by Jen Sincero. Another book I love is Vibrate Higher by Lalah Delia. That’s a really good book about being in the space of high vibrational frequency, which is operating at your highest potential. And you know, letting those negative ways of thinking and being away and making sure you’re moving forward in a space of love, motivation, and being more intentional.
And I guess music-wise, what are you listening to? I know you’re a Soulection girl - but what are you listening to?
No, you didn’t. Yes, I am such a Soulection girl, and I feel like that’s pretty much all I listen to. But lately, I will say I've been listening to a lot of old-school 90s like I've been taking it back. I don't know what's been going on, but I think it’s the Lover Girl in me right now. I think because it's Valentine's Day in February, but I'm listening to a lot of old-school 90s like Mint Condition, Jodeci, Jagged Edge, and all that stuff. So that’s what’s been in my music selection lately.
I'm kind of there with you. Like, I started listening to the Sam Smith album, which took me on a different path—it’s actually really good, which surprised me because his music is normally so depressing, But I feel like I’ve been listening to a lot of Tony Toni Tone and older stuff lately.
Yeah, I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the lover girl in us right now—it is the season.
That’s true—it is the season.
That’s that on that. Connect with Keturah via Instagram here and on LinkTree here.
Here are a few recommendations that I thought were worth sharing this week:
I agree with Penn Badgley about being over Gossip Girl by the end of the series because it got dumb. Speaking of Penn, have you started the new season of “You”? I love these pictures of what Black joy looks like, and I found this article about the number of Black people moving to Arizona for a better life — they are calling it the Great Migration. This 36 Hours in New Orleans makes me want to go back and eat. Lastly, I still want to go on Jeopardy, but you have to be smart to go.
That’s it for this week! Holla at you soon!